my selves, a rocky metaphor

While walking the beach on the shore of Lake Michigan, I was caught with wonder at the variety of rocks which formed the shore. The colors and shapes and sizes are beyond any ability to catalogue. How did they all get here, where did they all come from with their variety of texture and color, what storms of life have they lived through … ?

And then my eye was caught by this and this …

and I was caught by how like my ego-self these are. Caught by how much they resemble my put-together self as I do my best to make myself into the person the world affirms and values, when I fall asleep to who I truly am and live from habit and for external approval. I add to myself “yes” or “no” to be accepted by you when my authentic self says the other. I add to myself strength when I feel heartache because I am expected to be strong, because I am afraid to be vulnerable. … And others look and see only the rock, yet I see so much more. I see the patched and mended places, the parts forced to fit when they don’t fit at all. I see the places of restlessness and disconnect, and something within me knows this is not who I am meant to be, not who I truly am.

When I am able to live from my deepest place within, able to move beyond the habits formed by my ego to be successful or to survive and choose instead actions and thoughts which support this honest truth of who I am, I think we come to see our beauty in this … 

and this …

I see how the flow of life only serves to enhance and define the beauty of who we truly are. In the depths of color and shading my complex yet simple nature is revealed. In the lines and marks, striations and sparkles I see how life has enhanced yet left unchanged the essential nature of the stone. I see beauty and difference and oneness. 

And so again this moment, I choose to live a life that’s real and pure and free. I choose to surrender to the Life which flows in my very breath and is Oneness with you and with all.

“Through gentleness and grace,
     through awareness of what is happening within me and around me,
          through openness and relaxing into what is,
effort and striving-to-become cease,
     and I realize Life arises and finds expression from deep within me,
          and I understand my interconnectedness with all of created life,
and I know that who I am is good,
is enough.”

the paradox of the selves

... a few thoughts I have been journeying with on sabbatical ...

The mystical texts talk about the difference between my real self and my false self, between my personality or ego-self and the true essence of who I am. The reality that we each are a manifestation of the personality we developed in order to successfully navigate the tides and currents of society and family, the rising and falling of the relationships we have with others. It is not a bad thing, this personality, my false self. Yet all too often, for too much of life, my personality acts as the guiding force in living rather than it being one of many means to support my life choices. In some ways, it controls me rather than me controlling it - as the Apostle Paul wrote, "Why is it I so often do the things I do not want to do and yet do not do the things I want?" 

The world cultivates the false self and ignores the real one. The world cultivates and rewards the outer shell visible to the world as if that is the sum total of who I am. As if the way I look or dress or act, the way I speak, the foods I like, my abilities and skills, as if these things were the primary basis of who I am, the only basis of who I am - and in so doing ignores or gives little more than a nod to the deep essence which is truly me. Yet, that essence of divine life within is the only thing that gives meaning and substance to who I am. It is from this inner self, when I live and move from it, that I respond to and see the divine in all. It is from groundedness in this inner self that I am able to experience the Holy and truly experience Life. 

The paradox of the selves is that our outer self is made by us, added to and bolstered up by our conscious choices and actions to be or do certain things. In a very real sense, whether I am aware of it or not, I am the “maker” of my false self. The American mottos “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” and “a self-made man” are oriented to this reality. Yet the inner self, the Essence of who I truly am, existed from my first breath. It is not something I can make or change, it is not something I need to “improve”, just as it is not something I can “work” to make appear. All striving to grow or change or improve becomes just another link in my ego-self asserting control. In and of itself, our Essence is enough - it doesn’t need to be improved upon or added to or made better, it simply needs to be allowed to unfold and it will blossom in marvelous and wonder-filled ways.

The great irony of our existence is that the more we make of ourselves, the less we actually exist. 

Through gentleness and grace, 

     through awareness of what is happening within me and around me, 

          through openness and relaxing into what is, 

effort and striving-to-become cease, 

     and I realize Life arises and finds expression from deep within me,

          and I understand my interconnectedness with all of created life,

and I know that who I am is good,

is enough.