my selves, a rocky metaphor

While walking the beach on the shore of Lake Michigan, I was caught with wonder at the variety of rocks which formed the shore. The colors and shapes and sizes are beyond any ability to catalogue. How did they all get here, where did they all come from with their variety of texture and color, what storms of life have they lived through … ?

And then my eye was caught by this and this …

and I was caught by how like my ego-self these are. Caught by how much they resemble my put-together self as I do my best to make myself into the person the world affirms and values, when I fall asleep to who I truly am and live from habit and for external approval. I add to myself “yes” or “no” to be accepted by you when my authentic self says the other. I add to myself strength when I feel heartache because I am expected to be strong, because I am afraid to be vulnerable. … And others look and see only the rock, yet I see so much more. I see the patched and mended places, the parts forced to fit when they don’t fit at all. I see the places of restlessness and disconnect, and something within me knows this is not who I am meant to be, not who I truly am.

When I am able to live from my deepest place within, able to move beyond the habits formed by my ego to be successful or to survive and choose instead actions and thoughts which support this honest truth of who I am, I think we come to see our beauty in this … 

and this …

I see how the flow of life only serves to enhance and define the beauty of who we truly are. In the depths of color and shading my complex yet simple nature is revealed. In the lines and marks, striations and sparkles I see how life has enhanced yet left unchanged the essential nature of the stone. I see beauty and difference and oneness. 

And so again this moment, I choose to live a life that’s real and pure and free. I choose to surrender to the Life which flows in my very breath and is Oneness with you and with all.

“Through gentleness and grace,
     through awareness of what is happening within me and around me,
          through openness and relaxing into what is,
effort and striving-to-become cease,
     and I realize Life arises and finds expression from deep within me,
          and I understand my interconnectedness with all of created life,
and I know that who I am is good,
is enough.”

the paradox of the selves

... a few thoughts I have been journeying with on sabbatical ...

The mystical texts talk about the difference between my real self and my false self, between my personality or ego-self and the true essence of who I am. The reality that we each are a manifestation of the personality we developed in order to successfully navigate the tides and currents of society and family, the rising and falling of the relationships we have with others. It is not a bad thing, this personality, my false self. Yet all too often, for too much of life, my personality acts as the guiding force in living rather than it being one of many means to support my life choices. In some ways, it controls me rather than me controlling it - as the Apostle Paul wrote, "Why is it I so often do the things I do not want to do and yet do not do the things I want?" 

The world cultivates the false self and ignores the real one. The world cultivates and rewards the outer shell visible to the world as if that is the sum total of who I am. As if the way I look or dress or act, the way I speak, the foods I like, my abilities and skills, as if these things were the primary basis of who I am, the only basis of who I am - and in so doing ignores or gives little more than a nod to the deep essence which is truly me. Yet, that essence of divine life within is the only thing that gives meaning and substance to who I am. It is from this inner self, when I live and move from it, that I respond to and see the divine in all. It is from groundedness in this inner self that I am able to experience the Holy and truly experience Life. 

The paradox of the selves is that our outer self is made by us, added to and bolstered up by our conscious choices and actions to be or do certain things. In a very real sense, whether I am aware of it or not, I am the “maker” of my false self. The American mottos “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” and “a self-made man” are oriented to this reality. Yet the inner self, the Essence of who I truly am, existed from my first breath. It is not something I can make or change, it is not something I need to “improve”, just as it is not something I can “work” to make appear. All striving to grow or change or improve becomes just another link in my ego-self asserting control. In and of itself, our Essence is enough - it doesn’t need to be improved upon or added to or made better, it simply needs to be allowed to unfold and it will blossom in marvelous and wonder-filled ways.

The great irony of our existence is that the more we make of ourselves, the less we actually exist. 

Through gentleness and grace, 

     through awareness of what is happening within me and around me, 

          through openness and relaxing into what is, 

effort and striving-to-become cease, 

     and I realize Life arises and finds expression from deep within me,

          and I understand my interconnectedness with all of created life,

and I know that who I am is good,

is enough.

life in the fullness

I have been reading some of Thomas Merton's writings while on sabbatical, and I have come across often his insistence that we live in the fullness of time. We don’t have to rush after it, what we seek is already here and if we give it time it will make itself known to us. 

In contrast, Wayne Muller in Sabbath gives an accurate description of the world as I’ve experienced it up to this point. He names (in “Hurtling Toward the Eschaton”) that we, the Western world, act as if progress is our new messianic eschatology. We live as if coming to the end of progress will bring about bounty, and mastery of nature, and health & wholeness for all. There is no time to rest because we are on an important mission. ‘We never rest on our laurels, we never rest at all. Every moment is a necessary investment in the divinely ordained and completely unquestioned goal of progress. What we are building for the future is infinitely more important than whatever we have right now.’ We cannot rest because ‘the sooner we get into the good and perfect future - the only place we will ever be truly happy and at peace - the better off we will all be.’ Yet every time we reach the future, it vanishes into the present.

This theology of progress tells us that when we get to the end then, and only then, can we lie down in green pastures, and allow our soul to be restored. 

Oh my. Muller’s description of life in the West seems all too familiar. It is the lived experience of so much of my adult life. 

Yet it is Merton’s description of life that resounds and echoes within the recesses of my soul. The promised land is here, now. If I live connected to the rhythms of life, of birth and growth and death and new life, of rest and dormancy, if I live in ways that honor the sacredness of all of life and am open to seeing the Divine in the world wherever it chooses to be found, then I find that the present is more expansive than I can hope to understand. I find health and wholeness and abundant living. 

And I find that all the way to heaven is heaven, every moment full and ripe with experience of the Divine.

what do I seek

In the first chapter of my devotional reading (Sitting Still, by Patricia Hart Clifford), the author poses the question: What do you seek? ... What do I seek in the practice of centering prayer? What do I seek within myself and the world in the way I am living and moving and being? What do I seek in my relationship with God? What do I seek from the me within? What do I seek for the me within?

What do I seek? Peace within myself. ... Yet it doesn't interest me if I find peace, what I really long for is to see, to know, and to be present with what is.

What do I seek? Depth and grounding. ... Yet it doesn't interest me if I find depth and grounding, what I really long for is being a space of healing, for others and for the world.

What do I seek? Health in my body. ... Yet it doesn't interest me if I find health in my body, what I really long for is feeling strength in my body and connectedness to the Holy in it, knowing that body and spirit are truly one.

What do I seek? 

A way of being in the world,

   which brings healing, 

      reveals wholeness, 

         restores hope, 

            glimpses the Holy in all, 

               and honors the divinity within.

What is it you seek?

the air we breathe

“By breath, by blood, by body, by spirit we are all one.
 The air that is my breath is the air that you are breathing.
 And the air that is your breath is the air that I am breathing.
 …
 By breath, by blood, by body, by spirit we are all one.”
        ~ Sara Tomsen

This is the song clip that was running through my mind as I walked this morning.

we are all one … the air we breathe contains the breaths of each other … we are one

After my experiences in this place last month it’s not surprising that being here I would feel this deep sense of connectedness to the world. Truly, when I am present in the moment, which brings quiet within, I recognize it has never left me, journeyed with me wherever I am, vibrates within me to the song of the eternal. 

We are one. Not just you and I, but all of created life. We are, of course, made of the dust of stars. Yet even more I believe that in the very act of creation something of Divine essence was imparted to each rock and tree, each drop of water and ray of light, every seed and matter of humanity. Something of substance lives and flows within and between all of it. And in our moments of paying attention, being deeply aware of what is around us, we may feel a glimpse of that Essence. 

Perhaps that is why so many of us are drawn to nature, find being in nature renewing and restful. In a place where Divine essence flows naturally, our striving can cease. The masks can fall away. Like the trees, we learn to rest simply in who we are, not striving to be something else, something other, something more. When we connect to this essence around us and stop to rest in harmony with what is, we remember we were created as one. We remember, at least for a moment, that who we are is enough. We remember that we are one part of something so much larger than ourselves that it is beyond our comprehension, yet not beyond our experience. 

And all too easily we forget the truth of this. All too easily we we see only our differences and deny our oneness. All too easily we cast someone as “other”, for their behavior or actions or words or beliefs, and don’t see the divisiveness of our own behavior or actions or words or beliefs. 

Am I able to look within and admit there are times when I am so afraid I’d be willing to kill to keep the world from changing? Am I able to look within and admit the places where I dismiss others as lesser than because they don’t agree with my beliefs or because their actions hurt another? Am I able to see the moments when I wage peace as if I am at war with those with whom I disagree? Am I?

by breath, by blood, by body, by spirit … we are all one

witness

Sometimes the mountain
is hidden from me in veils
of cloud, sometimes
I am hidden from the mountain
in veils of inattention, apathy, fatigue,
when I forget or refuse to go
down to the shore or a few yards
up the road, on a clear day,
to reconfirm
that witnessing presence.
~ Witness, by Denise Levertov

This poem touches me deep in the core of who I am coming to understand I am. It nudges

me to confess how often I lose sight of how I desire to live attentive to the Witnessing Presence. How often I allow myself to simply exist when what I truly desire is to live deeply into the moments of my days, to see the mountain even when it is hidden from me in veils of cloud. 

Yet, most often it is me hidden from the mountain in veils of inattention, veils of apathy. Hidden from the mountain when I forget to or refuse to go just those few steps which reaffirm within me the Presence of the One who is never truly hidden.

How easy it is to distract myself away from what is most important to me. How simple yet how difficult it is to stay attentive to my deepest desires. How easy it is in the midst of my doing to forget who I am, to forget that the truth of my Self emerges best when doing flows from being. 

It is a moment by moment choice to live unveiled, a moment by moment choice to choose the action that would reconfirm the witnessing presence. A moment by moment choice to live deeply into my days.

thoughts on life's journey

A group I belong to recently put out this request: We are in graduation season around the country. What words would you share with folks entering the field of educational ministry in 2015?

Here are the thoughts I shared. They are words I try to live by. Ideals which I believe are true regardless of any vocation.

Make your own health and inner life a priority. Tend to it first and often. It is true you cannot share deeply from the well of your own soul when your well is running dry. Learn what helps you touch the place where the Holy dwells within you and then commit to doing that on a regular basis. Find what helps your soul rest in the Holy when life is chaotic and do it daily, for this will enable you to live centered in God in the moments of your days. This will enable you to share grace and love, mercy and peace with others. This will help you see the image of God in the face of the other.

Don't neglect your service to the world. If your life circumstances inhibit you serving from your deepest passion in your vocational setting, then make time to do so elsewhere. When our passion and giftedness touch the world, healing is found, new life happens - in the world and within ourselves.

Make time for creative activities, whether painting or music, decorating or gardening, fiber arts or ... We are creative beings, all of us. Be open to trying new things, for in them you open yourself to God in new ways. In them you uncover parts of yourself, changing how you understand God and how you see the world.

Living this way, connected to the space where the inner and outer worlds intertwine, will teach of God's love and grace more profoundly than any program or ministry you will create.

What would you share? What ideals do you strive to live by?

love in the particulars

I used the book A Seven Day Journey with Thomas Merton as a guide for my time of silent retreat recently. In it Merton reminds me what I have been slow to live into faith. Namely, that love for God must lead into love for others, and this love must reveal itself in my actions. As surely as night follows day, so too must my love for God grow into love for others. They are inseparable. And, in reality, I reveal my love for God in the way in which I love others. 

Yet I find this all too easy to say. Love for others is easy in the abstract. All to easy in the general. It is when it is love in the particulars that it becomes harder for me. Perhaps this is typical of humanity, this difficulty to love unconditionally in all individuals. But that doesn’t make my sorrow over it any less keen. My heart aches with awareness of the times I turn aside, the times I pass by. I am all too aware of the times I treat someone with less than the respect they are due as children of God, the times I think of them in disrespectful ways, think them lesser or strange simply because they are different from me or from what I expect.

And I realize that is the point, our differentness. In the ways of the world, we are different, unique. But in the ways of Spirit, of Soul we are One - of incalculable worth created in the image of God, joined in love, grace, mercy, compassion. And our differentness serves our oneness in revealing the fullness of God and in bringing healing to all of created life. Yet how easy, all too easy, it is to slip into seeing with the eyes of the world rather than with the eyes faith has given me. 

I have learned, for me, the need is to find ways to pause and touch that still center within me when interacting with someone, with anyone, with anything. For when I connect with that place and then move, then respond from there I move from a place of deeper connection to our oneness, a place more deeply grounded in grace. 

When I stand in that pause, I remember that you, too, are created in God’s image and treating you with that respect becomes easier, and I am able to look for glimpses of God's image as it might be revealed in you. 

in the pause

No matter which road I take, 
     you are there. 
Even after so many wrong turns 
     I know you are with me still. 
And when I pause to consider, 
     pause to reach deep inside 
          and find the place of quiet inner knowing, 
when I do this I know again I am safe 
     for you have been there all along, 
          journeying with me, 
               encouraging me 
and waiting for me to hear, 
     to listen 
          and recognize your voice. 
It is in the moments of pause in walking life's journey 
     when I feel you 
          and carry you on with me. 

Yet all of life can be lived in the pause, 
     in the space between resting and doing. 
It is in the pause where my deepest soul 
     connects with you and with the world. 
In the pause I find, nay, I know 
     not just you but myself also.

Ah, but how to live in the pause? 
Not just in scattered moments, 
     but to live and move from there, 
          that is what I am learning. 
That is what I will spend my lifetime learning.

Solitude

What I needed was the solitude to expand in breadth and depth and to be simplified out under the gaze of God more or less the way a plant spreads out its leaves in the sun.
                                                                                         ~ Thomas Merton

And that is what I need, what I yearn for, too - solitude.

Yet, while I enjoy time apart, I know for me solitude is also about a way of being, a way of inhabiting the very moments of my days. It's being intentional in thought and in deed. It's paying attention and connecting what is within with what is with out. It's living the truth that all of life is sacred and seeking to connect, as often as possible in as many ways as possible, with the sacred in this moment.

In that I know myself to expand in breadth by touching our connectedness, and in depth by touching the Holy within, and find that all of living and being becomes simplified to the grace of Love under the gaze of God. Solitude is simply a return to the center.

Yet this is not to deny that I need time alone, time apart to re-collect, to re-connect with my own center. For it is only through my center that I can truly connect with others and with God.

Solitude, that is, time apart by its very nature is part of the cycle of Sabbath rest. Essential for a life fully lived, yet one thread of the fabric of our existence.

Solitude, as time apart, provides me a place to, once again, re-connect the various parts of myself into the center of who I am. It allows me to, once again, see and name as whole that which society sees as, treats as, demands as parts. For in this time all of me is laid bare to myself. The illusions of the world fall away, and in my vulnerability I find the acceptance of God's mercy and grace once again.

Perhaps in the end it simply amounts to becoming aware, to being totally present in this moment, to being ready to listen. It is all given. It is all waiting. It is available to us all the time.
                                              ~ Esther de Waal

the echo

Contemplation is this echo-response to the Holy One.
It is the deep resonance in the inmost center of our spirit
in which our very life loses its separate voice

and resounds with the majesty and the mercy
of the Hidden and Living One.
                            ~ Thomas Merton

I love this quote.

Life, my life is an echo of the Holy. Separate, yet not apart. Called out into being by the voice of the One who has no voice yet speaks everything into being.

Even as the echo somehow contains the voice of the one, so I too somehow contain the essence of God, the majesty and the mercy. And so do you. And so does all of created life. Echoes of the holy.
And it is in the resounding of the echo, the response of my life, that I find I am not separate. In the echo of my life I hear the whisper of Your voice calling into being life and love, truth and mercy, grace and wonder. And in the resounding echo that is my life I too call these things to be in the world.

Oh, how I desire to be that echo, always. To live from that natural place, that authentic response within. Yet everything is given already. So all I need is simply to experience what I already have. To accept myself where I find myself, and be open to God and to myself in this moment where, together, we dwell.

For, you see, what I already have, what is already given is God's love and acceptance of me. This is the root of my being. And when I fail to see the signs of the presence of the Holy One in everything around me, then I know I am missing my deepest truth, the Voice that calls forth the the echo of my being.

rooted deeply together

I sit here outside my apartment (at Creighton University Retreat Center) listening to the soughing of the wind in the trees. I am at once thrilled I can hear it with my current hearing aids, when there was a time I no longer could, and simultaneously amazed at the beauty of the sound. Such melodious song as the wind whispers and roars its changeableness, yet always singing of things just beyond our awareness unless we stop and listen.

I am just as amazed at the ability of these mighty ones to dip and sway in tune with the great song of living. 30-feet tall or more, yet they dance gracefully with the wind. 

It is counter intuitive to our nature. The world teaches us: to be mighty, we must stand tall and firm; that is the way to be strong like the oaks. Yet the oaks and elms know the great truth: to be strong, plant your roots deeply together in the soil of the One, only this will give you the freedom to dance with the eternal song in the winds of life. 

We are, each of us, made in divine essence, created in the image of the Holy One. And we are, each of us, fully human. And when we are rooted in God, grounded deeply in the center of our being, then our humanity dances gloriously to the eternal song of life. The foibles and fancies of our humanness become graceful steps in the dance of life’s journey. 

Rooted deep, I am finally free to hold the vulnerability of the dance within the embrace of grace. Rooted deep, I am finally free to see my human foibles with the heart of Love. Rooted deep, I am finally free to unfold into the truth within me. Rooted deeply together, we sustain one another when the winds of life are strong, and we listen with one another when the song of life is a mere whisper in our soul. 

I sit here outside my apartment listening to the song of joy in the trees, knowing you abide with me here.

in this moment

This quote from John Philip Newell, found in my reading recently, struck me and stayed with me, resounding in the recesses of my heart:

Early in the morning I seek your presence, O God,

not because you are ever absent from me

but because often I am absent from you

at the heart of each moment

where you forever dwell.

I seek your presence, Holy One, not because you are absent from me, but because I am absent from you. Absent because all too often I live my life thinking about, planning for, wondering on what is ahead, what is next. And you, well, you dwell in the heart of this moment, here, now. You dwell in the quiet between the beats of my heart while I hardly even notice my heart is beating.

Yet truly, this moment is all that is real. This moment is where my hopes and dreams take form and substance. So don’t let me live occupied with the moments ahead or the ones left behind and miss the only one that is real, the only one in which you deeply dwell. Your voice calls me back to this moment again and again. Your voice, in the colors of spring and the beauty of each new day. Your voice, in the whisper of the wind through the prairie grass and the twitter of birds beckoning to each other.

In this moment life is real. In this moment I am present to you and to myself, to your gentle nudges and to my soul’s longing. In this moment I know peace and the passion of intimate connectedness.

Continue to awaken me, I pray, to the Mystery of you in this moment, the only place in which you dwell.

the image & likeness of God

The scriptures tell us that each of us, every one of us, is created in the image and likeness of God. The image and likeness of God – two distinct things. One inherent in who we are, the other a choice.

Within us, the core of our very essence is a reflection of the Holy One. Each person you know, each person you greet, every person you see is a reflection of God. In all our diversity, with all our likes and dislikes, no matter our sexual orientation or gender identity, in every body image and skin tone we exemplify the very image of God. This week I’ve walked our labyrinth several times, always with these words singing in my soul: whichever way you turn, there is the face of God. This is true of all of life, whether or not we have eyes to see.

So the image of God is created in us. But the likeness of God is a choice. You see, the likeness of God is in our actions and way of being in the world. The likeness of God is seen in how we greet one another, how we speak of and to one another, how we regard one another, and how we treat those with whom we agree and, especially, those with whom we don’t. The likeness of God is in our words and in our thoughts. The likeness of God is in our hearts and in our relationships.

Is life about the journey together and growing in faith and love through relationship? Or is it about being “right” and doing things the “right way” and being better than others, as if there is some invisible competition to strive for?

How will you choose to be the likeness of God in the world today?

making meaning

“Some people esteem one day as better than another, 

while others esteem all days alike. 

Let all be fully convinced in their own mind.” ~ Romans 14:5

Our experience of life is what we make of it. If we live our days expecting goodness in them, then that is what we will find. Even when the days are not filled with only joyous experiences, our attitude of positive expectation will lead us to see richness and beauty in even the bleakest of circumstances. In the same way, if we expect and look for the “bad”, if we fear that life is made up of negative experiences, then we risk experiencing even positive things in a negative light. 

My husband’s frequent expression lately is “it is what it is.” I think, instead, it is what we make of it. So I choose not to live each day looking for “good” and “bad” in it, for that creates a false dichotomy. No thing is all good or all bad, and to judge (yes, that is what we are doing, judging) something as “good” or “bad” effectively closes the door on looking for it to be anything other. It denies the possibility of finding something positive within the painful. 

I do not subscribe to the theology behind the saying “everything happens for a reason.” A theology that would prescribe the events of my days as if they were preordained and ordered for me whether or not I choose them. I do, however, firmly believe we can (and should) make meaning out of the experiences of life. We are called to look for the learning, the connectedness, the holy within the moments of life, and when we do so, we make meaning from them. That is a significant part of the journey we are on, touching the holy within everything we do. Integrating heart and mind and body and soul, that is how we fully live.

take my yoke upon you

“Take my yoke upon you and learn from me 

for I am gentle and humble of heart 

and you will find rest for your souls.”

~ Matthew 11:29

I am struck as I ponder the meaning of the word “yoke” that the first definition in the 

M-W.com dictionary is “the frame joining the head or neck of two animals for working together.” I always pictured this yoke Jesus speaks of as something singular, it is placed on me alone or on you alone or… Yet, this image of being yoked together with Jesus, choosing to take Jesus’ yoke upon me and in doing so I am joining him there is powerful and re-orienting. How different from the image of being yoked alone and Jesus standing off to the side shouting encouragement. For isn’t that truly what Jesus calls us to, to join with him, to walk with him and to learn from him? Isn’t it the case that I am not being asked to take upon myself anything that Jesus isn’t already doing? 

And when we are yoked as one, then we stand together sharing the load and carrying the burdens together. When I am weak, you pull harder to compensate for me - and when you are weak, I pull harder to compensate for you. We are one together, and in that rest for my soul is always found.

I wonder how the tasks of my days will be different being yoked with Jesus…

finding life

“Those who find their life will lose it, 

and those who lose their life for my sake will find it.”

                ~ Matthew 10:39

Losing my life for Spirit’s sake, isn’t that what life is truly about? The meaning and purpose of my life is not lived for me alone. The heedless pursuit of pleasure, while exciting and intoxicating in the moment, leaves me feeling empty and alone. Alone regardless of whom I might be with. What brings deep and lasting joy, joy not just to my days but to my soul, is honoring our connectedness through living life together. When the point of the experience is not simply creating pleasure but rather experiencing life with another, I touch within it a glimpse of the Divine, and I know I am never alone. 

When the point of life is ‘you and me’ or ‘all of us’, then I find myself adjusting my wants and needs, my desires and expectations to reflect a balance between me and thee.  And living this way I find my carefully cultivated mask (the mask each of us owns) becoming transparent, and growing within me is deeper understanding of who I truly am. Through the purposeful living out of our interconnectedness I come to know my Self. Through the purposeful living out of our interconnectedness I co-create this world with you. Through the purposeful living out of our interconnectedness together we bring healing and wholeness, and in that I find Life.

rise and have no fear

“But Jesus came and touched them saying, ‘Rise and have no fear.’”

~ Matthew 17:7

Fear so often is my go-to response. Yet I realize it is not fear of whatever it is that is before me. No, it’s fear of change, fear of upsetting my peace. The status quo, while not my preferred place to be, sure is a lot more enticing at times than wading through the waters of change. And so fear of what might be (but rarely ever is) arises within me.

What would it take, I wonder, to rise and have no fear? What would it take to rid myself of this “oh I couldn’t” reaction? 

An understanding of what is at stake, I think. That is, truly knowing that rising and stepping forward without fear will lead be back to my greatest passion, will lead me forward to my deepest Self, will keep me standing in my highest truth. And in that place I truly have no fear for I feel the touch of the Holy guiding me, sustaining me, enabling me to arise in the strength of the promise of Life and Light, Hope and Peace.

So I will seek to trust, to live in God’s steadfast goodness. I will seek to trust, to live from my highest truth. And I will learn to pause, and breathe, then arise and say Yes to what is before me for it is the only way to embrace the possibilities of life. … Yes.

things above

“Set your minds on things that are above, 

not on things that are on earth.”

~ Colossians 3:2

Things above … like bringing healing and not harm, making amends and reconciliation, supporting and encouraging and nurturing … like recognizing the connectedness and the autonomy of others and holding that in tension for the growth of their desires not for my own … like giving and seeking forgiveness and then building trust … like recognizing my own humanity and giving myself grace when I make mistakes - learning from them, I hope, but grace always … 

Our minds are so much more often engaged than our hearts in this journey though life. And when we view life and self and others through our hearts, we see the world and each other so differently. So if I cannot live at all times in my heart-seeing, then I seek to keep my mind on things above for that will help my mind to touch what my heart always knows … that you and I are one as we walk this journey of life, that life is about healing and growth and connectedness, that when you hurt I also hurt and when you are happy I too experience joy.

freedom to be

“When the Spirit of Truth comes, we shall experience freedom, 

set free from all that has closed us in.” ~ Mercy Oduyoye

I find that it’s not physical freedom that I desire, that I cherish. It’s freedom to be who I am. Freedom to speak my truth, to live my truth, to be my truth. This is the deepest desire of my heart, to be authentically me.

Yet, all too often I find that what closes me in is more of my own making than of other’s. What closes me in is, in part, my own fear over perceived expectations and responses. 

We are often taught in this life to place a higher value on the responses of others than on ourselves. We are taught to question how others will react to what we do, rather than question whether what I am doing is true to my deepest self. And when I fall victim to this teaching, I live from the false prison of trying to meet assumed or real expectations which have nothing to do with my true self. I find myself agreeing to things I don’t really agree with, I find myself doing things I don’t want to do, rather than living my deepest desires, my deepest truth. 

And it’s not that my desires, my actions are ones which would bring harm if I lived them out. It’s rather that I fall victim to pleasing you rather than pleasing me, I give higher value to being the person you think I am than to being the person I know I am. Yet, when I remember, I know that what would please you most is for me to be myself, for me to live my truth - and that is what I desire most for you as well.

When I walk in truth there is a solid, deep rightness to my living. One which brings joy and equanimity and compassion, as if the strings of my soul are vibrating in harmony with the Holy One and with all that is. Perhaps that is what freedom feels like …

to fight for growth

“We cannot afford not to fight for growth and understanding, 

even when it is painful, as it is bound to be.” ~ May Sarton

And who is it I battle but my ego-self. The part of me seeking to keep the status quo, to protect my equanimity by denying and deflecting pain. The part of me that values safety and equates “happiness” with lack of pain.

This self has served an important purpose in helping me cope with the vagaries of the world. Yet I seek more now. I seek to experience life as it is and to respond to it as I am. I seek to know and to live from my Self.

You see, I trust so much deeper now. I know that behind the changing-ness of life is an abiding Presence, a Presence of Love. And that Love will support and sustain me, nurture and comfort me, strengthen and heal me through all that life will bring.

Yes it may will be painful at times, but I have experienced no greater joy than meeting life as it is with all of me, living, as best I am able, the connectedness of our shared humanity. It is through this openness to life and Presence and you that I am coming to understand my Self as I am. To live any other way is to deny who I am and who I am becoming - and that I cannot afford.

in service to the Holy One

“You shall worship the Sovereign your God, and God only shall you serve.”

~ Matthew 4:10

… and yet how often do I put things and goals and desires over the wishes of God? How often and in how many ways do I neglect the things of love and healing for things of selfish want and control? It is so easy to fall asleep to the choices I am making and their impact on my living and on the lives of others. So easy to simply take what is before me without questioning the cost. 

The path that Jesus asks me to follow asks me to see the difference between wants and needs, asks me to experience all of life as holy, asks me understand the connectedness of the choices before me with the lives of others - to see, to experience, to understand and then to choose. And in my good moments I do all these. Yet, the Beauty is, even when I do not, even when my choices are all about me, all about this immediate moment, even then God will use my choices to bring about healing. The wonder of that causes my heart to fill with awe.

And so I seek to serve God only, knowing all the while that the very act of this intention places the entirety of my life, my whole being in service to the Holy. And that brings peace and gives my heart joy.

a thousand times, Yes

“No one knows what lies ahead, when we say yes to God.”

~ Jan L. Richardson

… like seminary at age 40 … like moving to a place you’ve never seen and loving it. Oh my, yes.

The world sees the outward changes - like moving, new jobs - but it’s the internal transformations, even the small ones, that are most significant. It’s coming to see the world differently, see yourself differently, see God differently that can create the most upheaval, and the most hope, and the most joy. 

To experience the steadfastness of this journey with the Holy One is to know deep peace.

To know “if I had to do it all over again, I’d say Yes a thousand times more” is a treasure beyond comprehension.

It is the unknown with God that brings anticipation to my living. For I know that whatever lies ahead will be more than I can imagine. The moments will be fuller and freer for they will be encompassed within the Divine Yes. 

In saying yes to God, I hope for a life that is my own. One which strongly binds me to you and to this world, with no false chains or masks. One which arises from the voice of Wisdom within, to guide the rhythm of my days. One which allows me to both soar free and fight fiercely, loving you as I love myself. One which walks softly upon this earth, bringing healing and peace and love.

Yes, a thousand times Yes.